I haven't blogged in four years. That's a sin! So much has happened. So much i wish to never discuss. Life sucks and is so fucking hard. My mother in law died six months after my father. That was a huge blow to me. Losing two people who meant so much to me just made my mind explode. I made huge mistakes for all the wrong reasons. How do you recover from so much pain? I still have yet to figure that out. My kids are growing up too fast for me. Zach is 11 and Rose is 8. Zach is officially a middle schooler....when?? He was this little elvin creature I held in my arms. Now he is almost too bug to cuddle.  I still try though. Rose is my snuggler. I kive that. She's one of the best people i know. So is Zach, both with these big hearts that make me proud.  I don't know what i would do without them in my life. What do i say? I love them so much. Life is so short and I wish it wasnt. My heart breaks so much every day. With so much loss, i dont know how to keep my shit together. Ive had my heart broken and stomped on. I wish i could go back in time and undo things i did. Any way, soon as I have more to say I will blogg again.

Momma is in tears or just crazy

So, I have been having this fight with Zach for several years. In my mind I thought it was just a phase that would pass. But NOPE, he has now turned 8 and still won't touch fruits or veggies. And when he does touch them he gags like he will throw up. I am up in arms about what I have to do to get him to eat. People suggest I hide it, but in WHAT? The kid won't eat anything but hot dogs, corn dogs, chicken nuggets, and fries. SO, I have resorted to yelling which I know isn't exactly ideal to get someone to do what you want. But he refuses. I give him a grape he gags, they are the BEST grapes I have had thus far. He use to LOVE veggies and fruits when he was a baby, but now he won't touch the stuff. I worry he may be lacking things his body needs. So What does a momma do? I am terrified I am setting him up for a failure in the future. So what do you do to get your kids to eat? He refuses pasta sauce. He eats pb & j, that's a start but not ideal. HELP a momma out!
xc

Life sucks!

I haven't written a blog in a while. SO here I go. This will be very random thought strains as that is how I am thinking lately. My mother-in-law is dying. This has been hard on her, the kids, Dan, Eric, his brother, me and many many many other people that have had the pleasure of knowing and loving Jan. I call her Mommin, took me a long time to get to calling her anything other than Jan. If you know me and all that I have gone through you will know why. If you don't then to make a long long story short, my bio mom died when I was 17months old. Then I was in foster care and had yet another 'mom' and then I was adopted and my mother is very protective of her namesake identity. So I decided Mommin was a lot easier than MOTHER-IN-LAW as most folks don't LIKE their MOTHER-IN-LAW and I didn't like Jan at first either. To her I was not good enough for her son, (to which I now understand havinga son of my own) and two she was your typical mother-in-law but really it was my ignorance as well as my immaturity caused most of the rift. When she was diagnosed with breastcancer while I was pregnant with Zach I was heart broken, felt awful for ever feeling anything other than LOVE and UNDERSTANDING towards a woman who was about to fight the good fight. My anger was not needed to be added to her daily trials. THen Igot to really know her. She likes to be clean, she doesn't like dirt, really who does, I mean Iam not having a love affair with the dirt in my house! She kept her house pristine! It still is in my opinion even though she has been unable to clean since this nasty hit her liver. But she sees dirt where we wouldn't normally. I use to refer to her as Martha Stewart, only because she was just so CLEAN and lets face it I am NOT. I try, I do, but I can't dust due to the side effects, I can't use bleach cause it causes too many side effects. . . and I can't rely on Eric as he works too darn hard as it is. Doesn't need to come home and clean. Any way, you get it, she likes it clean. And she likes to HELP, she's a giver. A lot like myself, as you that know me, I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. Most of what I thought of her nit picking was just her being helpful. And she LOVES my kids. She's been the best grandparent I could ever ask for for my kids. They adore her and when she's gone it won't be the same. Rose will ask for her I know at random and how do you explain to a 2 year old what death is? How about I just tell her what HEAVEN is? That is how I plan to handle that. And why we can't go to Heaven for a visit? I don't know, there is no stairway to Heaven no elevator no escalator. You can't drive there or visit. It's not like the beach, but how awesome would that be? TO be able to just go visit for one day? To know you are going there when you are no longer here on earth is relieving but wishing you could see those you love just oncemore? Just to give your child comfort in knowng that Jan will be there looking down on us and that she will be yet another guardian angel to look over us. But to me that isn't enough. Not to be able to talk to them and get a response? It's hard. You all know this. I know you do, I know you have lost someone or some pet and that ache you have to want to hold them one more time. With Jan we all are getting the chance to say goodbye and have some closure. But it still isn't easy. To watch someone you love die, is the hardest thing to do. And then I think about Dan and how hard it is to watch your one true love die and e in pain. I cannot imagine. I just want to hug him and reassure but knowing that won't help. I mean imagine the one you married when you were just fresh out of college, the one you knew was the one, and now they are dying way before their time should be. . . It's unfair. Well for now that is all I have.

Tired

Why to screen writers use fowl words to make points? Seriously, does the word F*** really get your points across? I know I know, I say it from time to time. And I shouldn't, but when I do say it it is always with anger. I guess that is more proof that evil can live in words. Or at least anger. My parent's used curse words on a daily. It was as normal as rain for them. I learned all the wonderful colorful words from them. Most folks won't curse around their folks. Not me. I let the color words fly. It is different around my kids. At first I was like my folks, cursed like a sailor on leave. But the first ime you hear them repeat one word you say and you realize that you don't want them saying those words! So I stopped usin those words. I didn't want them hearing them from me. On occassion when I am really royally angry, yea they slip out, like eggs off a skiddle. I call 'em bombs Fbombs, Sbombs. .. whatever they are like little explossions. I guess I understand why they use these words in their movies, but now I see it on TV. I was watching Hawthorne and the Bullshit bomb was dropped. I guess I expect more from my family shows. Yea we drop those bombs in our lives not all of us can be like Piglet and go OH DEAR or OH MY all the time. I come up with cute things to say instead, like " SON OF A MOTHER'S UNCLE!" DOes it make sense? No, but who can make sense when they slammed a toe or cut a finger? I know I can't. I've said things that people just say, "I've never heard that one before." I can't think of one right now. Of course not LOL It's when I want to think of one when I cannot. LOL. That is another thing that bugs me! Why did we suddenly add LOL to everything we say? I do it! WHY? When didI start this? Really, do I think anyone cares that I LAGHED OUT LOUD? I don't think so. I guess we had to add something to our texts/messages/emails/blogs so you know we aren't being totally serious. Has this ever happened to you? A friend mistakes what you said on your webpage as you talking crap and trying to hurt their feelings. So then you just add LOL so you don't piss off your friends. . . At this point I wonder why we care what we say will hurt someone. You can take ANYTHING ANYONE says and turn it into something mean. I am at the point of not caring what it will make someone think. I can't spend my entire day worried that what I say will offen. You are gonna offend SOMEONE at all times because THEY are insecure. So I say, talk away, as long as you mean no harm. If your friends know you, they know you mean no harm. It happens. Ok Iam done my rant for the day.

SIGH

New beginings and sad memories. My son has reached a milestone here. . . he is no longer a preschooler, he's an official Kindergartner. . . I always think I spell that wrong. . .is it kindergardner or Kindergartner. . . .I dunno. Any way, his last day was today. He had a class carnival today. Came home with a huge bag of stuff. .. Do you give presents to the teachers? I dunno. I didn't I feel awful about that. . . I will send a thank you card via email. Is that enough? They did take my baby for 3 hours a day. . . Zach's preschool teacher was Eric's kindergarten teacher, well one of Zach's teachers, Mrs. Trinko. She's officially retiring from retirement and retiring again. . .. LOL
Zach says to me last night, "Mom, you know how your dad died? Well, I miss him. I wish he could come back cause all that fun stuff he did with us. . . I wish he were here." I said, "Me too. I miss him a lot too." Touched my heart. I know that death really hits home with Zach. i wish he didn't have a grand parent die while he was so young, but I guess that is the way of life. I just hate tht he had to go through it. It's not been easy for me either. I am still going throug the loss. It is easier now than it was before but it still hurts. I miss my father, I never thought Iw ould miss him this much but I thought for sure I would have had at least 10 to 20 more years of his hard ass shit. . . I thought he would be aroudn for the kids longer. If I had known it was his last Hanukkah, I would have gone. If I had know. . . .famous last words I guess. What do we really KNOW??? When it is your time, it's your time. I just wish we all had MORE TIME. My mother's lawyer has stopped bugging me. FINALLY, I am worried though that this is the calm before the strm you know? I don't want to deal with him at all if EVER. Apparently my father's estate is finished and they are wating to file until August. . . Though WHY wait is beyond me. I hate lawyers...They piss me off so badly. What kind of lawyer is best? A DEAD ONE! HAHAHAHAHAH. ANy way, I am done my rant for now. I know it's beena while since I blogged so you all have been biting at the ankles for me. LOL

Let's talk about S E X folks

How often do you and your's have sex? A LOT? A LITTLE? Not enough? Let me know.I can put it out there Eric and I don't have sex as often as I would like. Probably not as often as he would like. We are so exhausted and caught up in our children's lives that we tend to neglect our sex life. We have to now lock our door at night to keep our 5 year old out of the room. He sneaks in in the middle of the night, and having been walked in on while attending a wedding in SC we didn't want that to ever happen again. My son now locks the door to the bathroom when he uses it. This frightens me because what if something happens while he's using it. I know that could be my mother's over protectiveness. Who knows. Any way, back to S E X. . . how long have you been married? Let me know folks. I laid it out for you, now return the favor. You know you want to!

Whose got two thumbs and being threatening to be sued by her mother? That's right this chick

I got another letter from the lawyer of my mother. Stating that I have 10 days (well really 8) from the date of the letter to pay back the funds I owe my mother. Also, it went into great length about all the things I did wrong when my father died, as well as to basically accuse me of trying to steal my mother's inheritence. Again, those of you that know me KNOW that I am NOT money driven. I never have been. I got that from my father IF he were alive today he wouldn't stand for this BS. I can't understand a woman who claims to love her children, could continue to attack the one daughter who was there for her and did the best for her that I could. And then for this same woman to continue to have lawyers attack her daughter for a measley few thousand dollars when she's getting WAY more than that with the life insurance. But of course I was tryign to steal that money. . . because I am just that coniving and evil. The claims that she changed her will for me? HA I say! She did it for her own purpose. And to continue to have a lawyer tell me and SCOLD me on what I did wrong, when I thought I was doing the best that I could. The weight of my father's death landed on my shoulders. Everyone turned to ME when the funeral arrangements were made, when the flowers were sent, when the remains had to be picked up. ME I was the one that had to sign the papers for his funeral. Yes I took money that I should not have. I made a stupid mistake and I HAD every intention of paying it back in the way that I could. Now I am being told that conversations that my mother and I have had were not real? Who s the one lying in this situation? My mother claims nothign is wrong with her mind? And yet she cannot remember items that were handed to her and told to her over and over again?? She runs to her lawyer like he's her savior in all of this/ And I am expected to pay for the legal fees that SHE racks up because she couldn't be civil about the situation? I think NOT. Now they are claiming I owe more than what I stated, when in reality I never had to admit to owing a darn thing. I could have made them figure it all out. But I dind't I stepped foreward, was honest. Because of this I am being pursicuted by my own FAMILY. And people wonder why there is hate in this world? When you hve someone that 'loves' you like my mother claims to LOVE me who needs enemies???