Life sucks!

I haven't written a blog in a while. SO here I go. This will be very random thought strains as that is how I am thinking lately. My mother-in-law is dying. This has been hard on her, the kids, Dan, Eric, his brother, me and many many many other people that have had the pleasure of knowing and loving Jan. I call her Mommin, took me a long time to get to calling her anything other than Jan. If you know me and all that I have gone through you will know why. If you don't then to make a long long story short, my bio mom died when I was 17months old. Then I was in foster care and had yet another 'mom' and then I was adopted and my mother is very protective of her namesake identity. So I decided Mommin was a lot easier than MOTHER-IN-LAW as most folks don't LIKE their MOTHER-IN-LAW and I didn't like Jan at first either. To her I was not good enough for her son, (to which I now understand havinga son of my own) and two she was your typical mother-in-law but really it was my ignorance as well as my immaturity caused most of the rift. When she was diagnosed with breastcancer while I was pregnant with Zach I was heart broken, felt awful for ever feeling anything other than LOVE and UNDERSTANDING towards a woman who was about to fight the good fight. My anger was not needed to be added to her daily trials. THen Igot to really know her. She likes to be clean, she doesn't like dirt, really who does, I mean Iam not having a love affair with the dirt in my house! She kept her house pristine! It still is in my opinion even though she has been unable to clean since this nasty hit her liver. But she sees dirt where we wouldn't normally. I use to refer to her as Martha Stewart, only because she was just so CLEAN and lets face it I am NOT. I try, I do, but I can't dust due to the side effects, I can't use bleach cause it causes too many side effects. . . and I can't rely on Eric as he works too darn hard as it is. Doesn't need to come home and clean. Any way, you get it, she likes it clean. And she likes to HELP, she's a giver. A lot like myself, as you that know me, I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. Most of what I thought of her nit picking was just her being helpful. And she LOVES my kids. She's been the best grandparent I could ever ask for for my kids. They adore her and when she's gone it won't be the same. Rose will ask for her I know at random and how do you explain to a 2 year old what death is? How about I just tell her what HEAVEN is? That is how I plan to handle that. And why we can't go to Heaven for a visit? I don't know, there is no stairway to Heaven no elevator no escalator. You can't drive there or visit. It's not like the beach, but how awesome would that be? TO be able to just go visit for one day? To know you are going there when you are no longer here on earth is relieving but wishing you could see those you love just oncemore? Just to give your child comfort in knowng that Jan will be there looking down on us and that she will be yet another guardian angel to look over us. But to me that isn't enough. Not to be able to talk to them and get a response? It's hard. You all know this. I know you do, I know you have lost someone or some pet and that ache you have to want to hold them one more time. With Jan we all are getting the chance to say goodbye and have some closure. But it still isn't easy. To watch someone you love die, is the hardest thing to do. And then I think about Dan and how hard it is to watch your one true love die and e in pain. I cannot imagine. I just want to hug him and reassure but knowing that won't help. I mean imagine the one you married when you were just fresh out of college, the one you knew was the one, and now they are dying way before their time should be. . . It's unfair. Well for now that is all I have.