Let's talk about S E X folks

How often do you and your's have sex? A LOT? A LITTLE? Not enough? Let me know.I can put it out there Eric and I don't have sex as often as I would like. Probably not as often as he would like. We are so exhausted and caught up in our children's lives that we tend to neglect our sex life. We have to now lock our door at night to keep our 5 year old out of the room. He sneaks in in the middle of the night, and having been walked in on while attending a wedding in SC we didn't want that to ever happen again. My son now locks the door to the bathroom when he uses it. This frightens me because what if something happens while he's using it. I know that could be my mother's over protectiveness. Who knows. Any way, back to S E X. . . how long have you been married? Let me know folks. I laid it out for you, now return the favor. You know you want to!

Whose got two thumbs and being threatening to be sued by her mother? That's right this chick

I got another letter from the lawyer of my mother. Stating that I have 10 days (well really 8) from the date of the letter to pay back the funds I owe my mother. Also, it went into great length about all the things I did wrong when my father died, as well as to basically accuse me of trying to steal my mother's inheritence. Again, those of you that know me KNOW that I am NOT money driven. I never have been. I got that from my father IF he were alive today he wouldn't stand for this BS. I can't understand a woman who claims to love her children, could continue to attack the one daughter who was there for her and did the best for her that I could. And then for this same woman to continue to have lawyers attack her daughter for a measley few thousand dollars when she's getting WAY more than that with the life insurance. But of course I was tryign to steal that money. . . because I am just that coniving and evil. The claims that she changed her will for me? HA I say! She did it for her own purpose. And to continue to have a lawyer tell me and SCOLD me on what I did wrong, when I thought I was doing the best that I could. The weight of my father's death landed on my shoulders. Everyone turned to ME when the funeral arrangements were made, when the flowers were sent, when the remains had to be picked up. ME I was the one that had to sign the papers for his funeral. Yes I took money that I should not have. I made a stupid mistake and I HAD every intention of paying it back in the way that I could. Now I am being told that conversations that my mother and I have had were not real? Who s the one lying in this situation? My mother claims nothign is wrong with her mind? And yet she cannot remember items that were handed to her and told to her over and over again?? She runs to her lawyer like he's her savior in all of this/ And I am expected to pay for the legal fees that SHE racks up because she couldn't be civil about the situation? I think NOT. Now they are claiming I owe more than what I stated, when in reality I never had to admit to owing a darn thing. I could have made them figure it all out. But I dind't I stepped foreward, was honest. Because of this I am being pursicuted by my own FAMILY. And people wonder why there is hate in this world? When you hve someone that 'loves' you like my mother claims to LOVE me who needs enemies???

Frustration

I got a call friend who was storing things in one of my father's houses. And she must have her things out by May 14, which is better than immediately but it's frustrating to me. She asked if I would be there when she gets her things and I said no. Most foks know I don't say, "NO" unless I really really have a good reason. I can't help her because of the whole lawyer thing. I can't risk something going to the lawyer that I did or took something. So I can't help her and it is disappointing. But I have to put my family first. I told her this. She understood, but I am frustrated by this whole crap that has gone down. I hate that the only way to communicate with my mother is through a lawyer for fear of saying or doing something that will have to go through the damn lawyer. I'm disappointed in my mother for the need to even have a lawyer sending me a letter in the mail. Do I want to deal with my mom? No,to be honest I have kinda written her off. I've had enough of being put down. And if anyone says that I haven't been there for my mother, I ask you to look at all that I did that screwed me in the end! I have nightmares about the lawyer calling or showing up. I have nightmaresthat my mother has called the police on me. You name it I have had the nightmare. I am just so frustrated and ANGRY that I feel pushed away and out by my own mother. But I can't say she's flesh and blood. . .she adopted me but I never felt she was 100% in being my mother. She has yet to tell me how she feels and I guess that is her right. Well, I am done trying to make sense of my thoughts. Comment below.

Forgotten to blog

Watching Who Do You Think You Are and I started thinking of my father. There was a mention of Russian Jews and of course my father was a Russian Jew, or his family was. I often look back and realize that his folks didn't live a very long life, nor did most of his other family. I am sad that he's not here. I am sad that the situation with my mother has come up. I've had severeal 'mothers' in my life and seems like I have to click one more off the list. I am so at a loss for what is going on. I feel so out of the loop about my family. I get goose bumbs when I think about my father. I often wonder if that is him trying to hug me. It's a nice thought. We don't know the here after, I wish I KNEW that there was a Heaven. I know I am supposed to just believe, and that is Faith, but having been through hell and back here on earth I wonder if there could be a place that is so great. I pray that all that deserve to go get to go. Why do we often not realize what we actually have here on earth until they are no longer with us? I've had A LOT of loss in my life, First with my mother dying when I was 17 months old. Then the loss of my family by being placed into foster care and having my sister Angel taken from my life, then to be adopted, and life was good for a while, then my grandfather died, then y aunt died, then my uncles. Now my father. The one father I've ever accepted as my father. I have never been close to my mother. Even as a child, we never really connected. She worried that I could just replace her so I guess just pushing me away was her way of dealing. I don't presume to really know or understand.I haven't spoken to her since the whole lawyer thing started. I 've been too angry to even think about it. Every time I go back to the letters we have recieved I get angrier. I can't fathum the depth of hatred she could have for me to even remotely understand how someone could seek out a lawyer to harrass your child! I don't get it. I guess she could be angry with me because she lost the love of her life and that is where her anger has gone. I dunno. I tried to be the best daughter she could have asked for. I always fought for attention against my sister. Having a sister that has mental challenges and having to take care of her when I should have been out having fun was difficult for me. I had already had to grow up way too fast while in foster care. Being beaten and raped on a regular, (I was 2 to 5), and being duct taped and forced to watch tv on a regular basis. Having to share a bed with a the foster care's bioloical sister and beaten by her as well. Life hasn't been terribly easy for me. Heidi survived by blaming things on me and I tookt he brunt of the hate and anger. Then having to basically raise my sister while my folks taught school to mentally and physically handicapped kids and adults only to get home and be angry with us because of their frustrating days. My father treid to do fun things with us, I have fond memories of the park and an 'unball' which I would love to have had of his. Also, he would take us on family trips to Harper's Ferry, the Smithsonian, Florida. . . etc. Then my mother use to take us on Christmas vacation to my unlce and Aunt's place in Florida an dwe drove the entire way. IT was always fun for me. She would have me sit up front so she could talk to me and I could navigate the maps (which I am horrible at by the way), but she told me that I was her favorite travel companion. But then those trips stopped when I hit college and the spring break was different than her own. More resentment I feel. My mother would hunt me down when I wanted to visit friends from HS before I would get on the bus to college. Embarassing I must say, she would also call my college professors to 'check up' on my progress, but she wanted to know how often I missed classes. I felt smothered and yet unloved as well. Well I think that is enough of me laying it on the table folks. Questions? Comments? If you enjoy reading my blogs please 'follow' me so I know :D

One month 4 days...

That's how long it's been since my father died. It didn't dawn on me until just a few moments ago when I was looking at the calendar. Life passes by so fast. It is hard to stop some times and just be. If your father is still alive, call him, TODAY, chat with him, tell him you love him and that you are thankful for the time you have with him. I didn't do this as often as I should have. I should have done a lot of things in my life but I didn't and there is no room for regrets. I felt guilty for a while after my father's death. Guilty that I made our visits a tit for tat kind of thing. Guilty that I didn't call once a week like he asked me to do to speak to my mom (though I really think he wanted to talk to me.) I wish he had called me more. Just to talk. Most folks know, and this included my father, I am not a phone person. I am one that only likes to talk when we are face to face or online. I always feel like I don't have much to say. I am a quiet person really, with a big mouth. But my father always said before we hung up, "You should call once a week. Just to check on us." I always thought that odd as they were very capable of checking on themselves. But, I didn't. I called when I thought of it. Which usually ran 2 to 3 weeks. I tried every other week. I even tried once a week, but when you have kids and there isn't a quiet moment... there really isn't time for a phone call. And you know that once you pick up that phone, the child suddenly has SOOO much to say to you. When right before you picked up the phone you tried to have a conversation and they would just shurg and say nothing. But if you want your kid to talk to you, pretend to call someone. . . works like a charm!
A month, 4 days. . . seems like yesterday I got that dreaded phone call. The first thing that crossed my mind when this woman calls me to tell me my father was rushed to the ER was, what hospital, I am on my way. . . but then, "he died." I had so much trouble wrapping my head around those two simple words. . . he died. My father thought he had a few more years. He told me 5 the last time we spoke, I said at least 10 and that he had to see the kids graduate from HS first. He died. . . I never understood loss until those two words. WHen you haven't lost a parent, those words don't really have much meaning. Yes we loose friends, we have grandparents that die, maybe you have a pet. There are a few that have lost family. But when it's a parent or a child for that matter, those words are the worst words you can ever hear. He died. That is beyond painful. My father, the one person in my family that I didn't mind talking to, the one person that I went to if I had issues with money or kids or even my kids schooling. He was the one I got that advice from. And he died. Now my own mother is treatin gme like the plague. I am supposed to go visit her? She doesn't even speak to me on the phone. When I call the response is short, to the point and then over. She tells my kids to shut up, which I really don't like, and then she gets a lawyer to fight for money that I don't have. . . that's a whole different blog. . .actually, it should stay private. . . All I know is I feel like an orphan. And that feeling is far worse than the feeling of, he died.

Joys of holding someone else's baby.

Ok, so you get this little bundle to hold. You love them, you coo at them, you spoil them and then YOU GIVE THEM BACK. It's so awesome. It's like all the joys of having the baby with none of the back labor, the incision below the belly, the pain, the drugs, the rush to the hospital. Just suddenly you get to hold a baby. Today I got to love on my best buds baby, Mattie. He's one cute baby. He smiles at me and gives me the high eyebrow look that says, "You one crazy lady!" Then I get surrounded by four more beautiful kids (two of them my own) wh0 want me to SHARE the baby! HEcK NO children, unless this infant is crying I am loving on him without back up thank you! I swear that Sammie thinks Mommy and Daddy brought her home a REAL LIVE DOLL! She is loving on him, to the point of smothering, and she kisses him and says, "BABY MATTIE MY BABY MATTIE!" OF course this is the same Samantha that calls everyone she meets Aunt Cassie (I swear I did not train the child to do this). The same Sammie Doodle that climbs in my lap because she just loves me. I am constantly surrounded by these LOVEABLE children. They love to be around me and I them. Of course until they cry or do something slightly more annoying than my own child then, you can have them back! TEE HEE.

I love kids. I didn't use to. You wouldn't know this now. But when I was 18 I swore I was never having children. I told my father this one day on the way out the door. I said, "I am NEVER having kids!" He assured me that I was going to change my mind and I said, "Maybe but today I don't like them don't want them and can't stand them." Why the change in tune? I dunno, I started teaching, before that I would go to work with my father who worked with severly handicapped kids, some blind, some deaf, some couldn't walk, but all needed love. I did a lot of volunteer work at that school with him in my teen years. I painted the classrooms for the kids who wanted a fresh coat of paint, got this huge thank you card from the kids too. I realized that kids are what you mold them to be. You want a sweet and honest kid you treat them that way right? I don't lie to my kids or any kids for that matter. I tell the truth as I would have wanted the truth to be told to me. The Bible teaches us this does it not? I tel lboth my kids the honest truth, in the kid friendly version of course, but it's no less the truth. Zach knows that I won't lie to him and sometimes what he wants to know is a scary subject but I tell him open and honestly. IF we all did this then the kids all over the world would be better people, stronger people and we would be able to stand on societies own two feet. But I am on a soap box now. So I shall step off it.
I love hearing what kids think of the world. WE can learn from the kids. If we just take the time to listen. How often do you just sit and listen to your child tell you whatever he/she wants to say with no repremand for what they say or what they want to know? I do this with my kids on a regular basis. I want to be their parent but also a friend they can rely on. I don't want to replace my parental role with friendship but to have an even and equal balance. I want my kids to feel safe enough to tell me anything at all. Otherwise, they will learn how I learned, from other kids! At least if I give them the tools and knowledge they can use it. Perhaps my kids can teach other kids the truth, and not something they heard or read on the internet.
Although I think Zach will one day realize that girls don't have cooties until they are 35...but I am saving that for another day.

Early rising

So this morning I woke up at 7am with the WORST headache and I just couldn't get back to sleep. SO I decided to just get up and do some Wii Fit. I have been awake ever since. The kids are still asleep. Watching the morning news; which if you know me you know I NEVER get up this early!. So I am just wide awake. I plan to take a shower very shortly. The phone has been ringing this morning. I usually HATE to answering the phone but I have answered al the calls. Of course they all want money LOL.
Yesterday someone I know had a scary incident with their kid. The child choked on some food they were eatting. And thanks to their quick thinking the child is fine today but it could have been worse. If you aren't certified in child CPR you should be. If you have a child, you should go. If you have babysitters that watch your kids, they should be certified too. You can go to the local hospital (call first) and take a free course. You can also do so online. But the website on what you need to do in the event that your child DOES choke (come on folks, kids shove too much into their mouths on a daily basis if we don't monitor it.) Check out the website won't you? www.americanheart.org and search for child choking. Learn it, KNOW IT, because in the heat of that moment you want your instincts to take over, if you KNOW it then you won't have to worry about forgetting it! I've had to do it on Zachary at 2 weeks old and thank GOD that I knew what I was doing! You never know, so learn it. Ladies, and gentlement, make sure everyone that is around your kid is certified or at least knows the proceedures! Ok, I am done on my soapbox.