Forgotten to blog

Watching Who Do You Think You Are and I started thinking of my father. There was a mention of Russian Jews and of course my father was a Russian Jew, or his family was. I often look back and realize that his folks didn't live a very long life, nor did most of his other family. I am sad that he's not here. I am sad that the situation with my mother has come up. I've had severeal 'mothers' in my life and seems like I have to click one more off the list. I am so at a loss for what is going on. I feel so out of the loop about my family. I get goose bumbs when I think about my father. I often wonder if that is him trying to hug me. It's a nice thought. We don't know the here after, I wish I KNEW that there was a Heaven. I know I am supposed to just believe, and that is Faith, but having been through hell and back here on earth I wonder if there could be a place that is so great. I pray that all that deserve to go get to go. Why do we often not realize what we actually have here on earth until they are no longer with us? I've had A LOT of loss in my life, First with my mother dying when I was 17 months old. Then the loss of my family by being placed into foster care and having my sister Angel taken from my life, then to be adopted, and life was good for a while, then my grandfather died, then y aunt died, then my uncles. Now my father. The one father I've ever accepted as my father. I have never been close to my mother. Even as a child, we never really connected. She worried that I could just replace her so I guess just pushing me away was her way of dealing. I don't presume to really know or understand.I haven't spoken to her since the whole lawyer thing started. I 've been too angry to even think about it. Every time I go back to the letters we have recieved I get angrier. I can't fathum the depth of hatred she could have for me to even remotely understand how someone could seek out a lawyer to harrass your child! I don't get it. I guess she could be angry with me because she lost the love of her life and that is where her anger has gone. I dunno. I tried to be the best daughter she could have asked for. I always fought for attention against my sister. Having a sister that has mental challenges and having to take care of her when I should have been out having fun was difficult for me. I had already had to grow up way too fast while in foster care. Being beaten and raped on a regular, (I was 2 to 5), and being duct taped and forced to watch tv on a regular basis. Having to share a bed with a the foster care's bioloical sister and beaten by her as well. Life hasn't been terribly easy for me. Heidi survived by blaming things on me and I tookt he brunt of the hate and anger. Then having to basically raise my sister while my folks taught school to mentally and physically handicapped kids and adults only to get home and be angry with us because of their frustrating days. My father treid to do fun things with us, I have fond memories of the park and an 'unball' which I would love to have had of his. Also, he would take us on family trips to Harper's Ferry, the Smithsonian, Florida. . . etc. Then my mother use to take us on Christmas vacation to my unlce and Aunt's place in Florida an dwe drove the entire way. IT was always fun for me. She would have me sit up front so she could talk to me and I could navigate the maps (which I am horrible at by the way), but she told me that I was her favorite travel companion. But then those trips stopped when I hit college and the spring break was different than her own. More resentment I feel. My mother would hunt me down when I wanted to visit friends from HS before I would get on the bus to college. Embarassing I must say, she would also call my college professors to 'check up' on my progress, but she wanted to know how often I missed classes. I felt smothered and yet unloved as well. Well I think that is enough of me laying it on the table folks. Questions? Comments? If you enjoy reading my blogs please 'follow' me so I know :D